


Now We Have Everything

by DRHPaints



Category: Bill Hader - Fandom, John Mulaney - Fandom, Saturday Night Live, Saturday Night Live RPF, Saturday Night Live Sketches, US Comedians RPF
Genre: Bill Hader - Freeform, Comedy Writing, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mutual Pining, Office Sex, One Shot, Smut, Stefon, handjob, john mulaney - Freeform, sketch comedy, sketch writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:00:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25436569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DRHPaints/pseuds/DRHPaints
Summary: Bill Hader and John Mulaney are working together on a Stefon sketch at Saturday Night Live when they stumble upon their attraction for one another.
Relationships: Bill Hader/John Mulaney
Kudos: 22





	Now We Have Everything

**Author's Note:**

> I know that you can’t just walk into Momofuku and get a table, but I really wanted Bill to be able to have his pork buns because he deserves all the good things. Thank you for reading.
> 
> If you enjoy this, please leave a comment or come say hi on Tumblr at fandomtransmandom :-)

Bill flopped down on the stained, torn couch and sighed, running a hand through his chestnut hair. Momentarily John joined him, pushing back the sleeves of his shirt to the elbow and crossing his leg at the knee.   
“Alright, what are you thinking for the first club name, buddy?” Bill asked.  
John chewed on the end of a pen, tipping it up and down from the corner of his mouth. “How about, _Heyyyy_!” John suggested, saying the name with an effeminate affectation.   
Bill grinned, closing his eyes and shaking his head. “Alright then, ha.”  
“What next…” John tapped the pen on his desk and chewed his lip. “How about ‘the bucket list of a dying pervert’?”  
Bill burst into giggles, shoulders shaking and body careening to the left and John scratched it down on the pad immediately.   
“And how about ‘Fat Sajak’?” John suggested, slipping into his heaviest Chicagoan accent, which always brought a smile to Bill’s face. He nodded and they continued.  
Bill nudged him. “Hey um, what about something like…’a Russian guy who runs on the treadmill in a Cosby sweater’?”  
“Yes!” John’s cheeks crinkled and he let out a long hiss of appreciation and clapped his hands together. “Love that.”   
“What do we want to do for the bouncer?” Bill asked. John pondered for a long moment, looking off into the middle distance. Bill found himself watching him. His knee shook a little and he gently tapped the pen against the elegant curve of his lower lip every couple of seconds, deep in thought.   
“What about something like…” John began, squinting at nothing. “A bulldog...” He made an opening gesture with his hand. “Who looks like Wilford Brimley.”  
Bill lost it, collapsing once more into giggles, his foot stomping on the ground. John looked over at him and beamed, the way he looked when he laughed always got to him. Possessing his whole body, his left eye becoming even squintier than usual, top teeth extending out past the bottom ones, body rocking back and forth. It couldn’t help but inspire joy.  
“And the password is..” Bill struggled to get out. “Diabeetus.” He said in the silly voice.  
John nodded. “Of course. Alright,” he drew a line underneath his notes. “One down.” He looked at the clock. Just after seven. “Hungry?” He asked, eyebrow raised.  
Bill nodded, patting his little belly. “Sure.”  
“What’re you in the mood for?” John asked, standing up.  
Bill opened his mouth, sliding his eyes over to John and hesitating.  
John smiled wryly. “You wanna go to Momofuku again, don’t you?” Bill nodded guiltily   
and John grinned. “See? You can’t fool me, Hader. I know you too well.” Bill gave a sheepish half-grin, shoving his hands in his pockets and following John out of the door.  
Taking a cab to the restaurant, they arrived and were led to a small table where they sat on the stools for a moment before a kind-faced middle aged woman moseyed up to them.   
“Hello, my name is Diane. Do you need a couple of minutes?”   
“No, we’re ready,” Bill said. They didn’t bother looking at the menus. At this point they practically had it memorized.  
“Great, what can I get for you boys?” She asked, extracting a pen from behind her ear.  
Bill gestured for John to go first. “Okay, I’ll have an order of the rice cakes and the ginger  
scallion noodles, please. Oh, and can I also get a seltzer? Thank you.”  
“Great,” she jotted on her notepad. “And for you?”  
“I’ll have an order of the pork buns and the Momofuku ramen please, thank you.”  
Diane nodded. “I’ll get that in right away. Thank you.”  
Bill did a little excited shimmy and John smiled. “You’re an addict, you know that?”  
“Hey, if pork buns are my worst vice, I’m doing pretty well,” Bill said, taking a sip of his water.   
“So,” John asked. “How are things going with Maria?”  
Bill shook his head. “They’re not. We broke up.”  
“Oh? I’m sorry,” John said, but he had to admit he felt a small weight shift somewhere inside him.  
He shrugged. “Don’t be. It wasn’t working out. I was always at the studio, which she hated, and even when we were together we just didn’t…mesh, you know?”  
“How so?” John asked.  
Bill tapped the table. “Well, it always felt like…work. You know, spending time with her. It wasn’t like when you and I hang out, for instance,” he gestured between the two of them. “You know, free and easy. I’d rather be with someone like that.”   
Bill took a sip of his water and John looked away, swallowing hard, hands fidgeting under the table. “Yeah, yeah that makes sense,” he murmured, not wanting to look up at him.  
Just then their food arrived. “Rad,” Bill exclaimed as the plate was set before him. Waiting a moment for them to cool, Bill raised a pork bun to his lips, biting in and humming appreciatively. The look of pure bliss on Bill’s face as he ate, paired with the soft noises ushering from his hips, made John itchy all over and he did his best to focus on the rice cakes in front of him.  
Once he’d devoured two of them, Bill paused. “How about you? Seeing anyone?”  
John just chuckled. “Nah, of course not.”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
John shrugged. “Eh, you know, not an area where I tend to have much luck.”  
“I don’t know why,” Bill shook his head, finishing another pork bun before diving into his ramen. “You’re great. Anyone would be lucky.”  
John looked down, pushing his food around. “You really think so?” When he raised his eyes, Bill’s face was smiling at him.  
“I do.”  
John felt his face grow warm and he grinned. “Thanks, Bill.” He nodded and returned to his ramen.  
They finished eating, Bill insisting on picking up the check despite John’s protests, and emerged onto the bustling sidewalk. As it was a pleasantly cool evening, they decided to walk back. After a couple of blocks a college-age guy in a gray hoodie took half a step past them before doubling back.  
“Hey, SNL!” He said, pointing at Bill’s face.  
Bill nodded awkwardly. “Yeah, hello.”  
“Can I get a picture?” The guy asked, already fumbling in his pocket for his phone.  
“Sorry, I don’t like to take pictures,” Bill said politely, holding up a hand. “But what’s your name, how are you doing?”  
The guy raised an eyebrow incredulously. “Pfft, fine then,” and proceeded down the street.  
Bill shrugged and continued on, but John found himself clenching his fists. “How do you put up with that?”  
“You get used to it,” he said. “Those kind of people, the ones who don’t even know your name, just want a picture to say they met someone who’s on tv. And anyway,” Bill leaned over and pushed him teasingly. “It’s only a matter of time before you’ll be dealing with it.”  
John stumbled a little, then righted himself. “What?”  
“Your stand-up, dummy. You’re going to be so big you’re hardly going to be able to walk down the street.”  
“Pssh,” John playfully smacked his arm. “Don’t be silly.”  
“I’m not. You’re the funniest person I’ve ever met.”  
John looked at him and he was still casually proceeding down the street, oblivious to the impact of his words. For someone so effortlessly hilarious to give him such a high compliment…it made John’s chest constrict and he blinked rapidly.  
“Thanks, Bill. You too.” Bill turned to him, beaming, admiring the crinkles in the corners of John’s young eyes when he smiled back at him.  
Quickly they made their way to Rockefeller Plaza and back to John’s office, reclaiming their spots on the couch.  
“Alright,” John began. “What do you think for number two?”   
Bill looked over at him, pausing and grinning for a second before leaning into John’s face, tipping his head forward, and simply making loud Taun-Taun noises.   
John broke, hands on his knees as he doubled over, mouth wide in laughter before rocking back and clapping. Bill swelled. John would often chuckle or let out appreciative titters, but to really get him going was a feat not everyone could manage and he reveled in his accomplishment.  
John jotted it down, then turned and met his eyes knowingly, elbowing him. “Do it.”  
Blue eyes meeting and mutual grins spreading, Bill stood, hitching his arms up near his chest like a T-Rex and strolling awkwardly around the room while making the noise, before making the final cry and collapsing to the floor in mock death.  
Having seen it a dozen times before didn’t diminish his enjoyment and John clapped as Bill hopped to his feet and gave a sheepish bow. John noticed a blush graze the pallor of his skin and found it endearing, wishing he would accept his talent, but no matter how many rave reviews and fawning fans, he was never quite able to accept the praise and it made John woeful.  
Resuming his place on the small couch, John felt the warm pressure of Bill’s thigh against his own and did his best to push it from his mind.   
“What if we have Seth ask you to use that in a sentence?”  
“How do you mean?” Bill asked.   
“Well, he would ask, and you’d say something like ‘Let’s go to ‘Taun-Taun’ noise because the line is too long at ‘ _Spicy_ ’!” John said, throwing back to one of their previous sketches.   
Bill chuckled appreciatively. “Yeah, that sounds great. And how about if it was opened and condemned in 1904?”  
John agreed. “So what do we want in this place?” He asked. “How about ‘Menorah the Explorer’?”   
Bill let out an appreciative chuckle. “Yes. And um…” he chewed on his lip and fiddled his fingers on his knee. “Some guys’ mom.”  
“Ridiculous. I love it,” John chuckled, shaking his head. He knew even a line like that, which looked so flat on paper, when put in Bill’s hands would produce a unique comedic chemistry only seen among true genius.  
“Hmm…” John thought, rubbing the back of his neck. Bill glanced at his long, delicate fingers and looked away, nose flaring.  
John smiled to himself before speaking. “What about…’A Fish Called Kwanzaa’?”  
“Yes. That,” Bill pointed at the paper insistently. He thought for a moment and then remembered an incident from earlier that day when he left Rockefeller Plaza for lunch and began to giggle, struggling to get the sentence out. “What if…What about..’A lady who works at CVS but do not bother her _because she is on break_!’?” He said, making his voice low and sassy. John tipped to the side, head on Bill’s shoulder, unable to control his laughter and Bill caught the warm notes of scent from his hair, doing his best to restrain himself from tipping down to bury his face against the short brown locks.  
“And what if,” John suggested after calming himself, “all of the money the club makes goes to a charity called _Doctors Without Boners_?”  
Bill’s giggles cascaded from his open mouth and he leaned into him, hand brushing John’s thigh as his body shook with merriment. John’s face grew hot and he swallowed a grin, an idea occurring to him as he made a small note on the page underneath while Bill’s eyes were still closed. Breaking Bill: Spud Web x 2.  
When Bill composed himself, John continued. “Alright, the _piece de resistance_.”  
“Yeah,” Bill nodded, leaned over with his elbows on his knees. “Midget joke.”  
John rapped the pen against the edge of the paper. “Human…hmm…boom box?”   
Bill could imagine it and already the giggles threatened to overtake him. “And he…he sits on your shoulder,” Bill started, miming it, trying to keep it together, but failing. “And sings you gangster rap.”   
John began laughing, turning to face Bill and also holding up an imaginary boom box. “No diggity. No doubt,” he said in a deep silly voice. They were both cackling hard, falling against one another, John’s head on Bill’s shoulder, Bill’s hand trailing over his arm.  
As the laughter died away, Bill wiped away a couple of tears and looked into John’s eyes.  
“You’re so funny…” he said softly.  
“You too,” John breathed. He looked back at Bill, eyes darting quickly up and down between those deep blue eyes and curvaceous lips. Suddenly his face was achingly close, and despite the trembling inside of him John pressed his lips softly against Bill’s, forgetting to breathe for a moment as he closed his eyes and reveled in the gentle pressure of his mouth.  
Then, John’s brain clicked on and he pulled away, eyes wide, gasping slightly.   
“Uh…I…” his mouth worked up and down silently for a moment before he stared at his hands in his lap. “I’m—I’m so sorry Bill. I didn’t…I wasn’t thinking and I just…let’s just pretend that—“  
But one of Bill’s hands came up to his cheek, turning his face towards his own, and the expression John saw there was one of tenderness.   
“ _Shhh_ …” Bill licked his lips, ball of his thumb softly rubbing John’s sharp cheekbone before bringing his mouth to his own. Shaking, John felt Bill’s lips part, his tongue creeping slowly between them to massage his, heads tilting to deepen the kiss. Reaching his hand up to caress Bill’s sharp jawline, John heart thundered in his chest as Bill’s hand wound around to the back of his neck to play with his hair.   
Bill’s hand traveled downward as the intensity of their kissing increased, cupping underneath John’s thigh and pulling his leg around his waist. Tipping forward, John leaned back and they scooted down the couch, Bill laying on top of John. John mewled at the pleasant sensation of Bill’s weight on top of him, rubbing one hand over his expansive back and ensconcing another in his feathery hair as their tongues continued to dance.  
Bill began to knead John’s ass, causing John to break their kiss and gasp under his mouth, hips digging forward into his own. John became aware of the hard column of Bill’s erection pressing below his navel, his own straining against the confines of his jeans, and he broke their kiss, staring intently in Bill’s eyes.  
“Can I…can I touch you?” He asked breathily.  
Bill clenched his jaw, nose flaring, before looking down at John’s swollen lips and lust-filled eyes and gave a small nod.   
John snaked his hand between them, fiddling with the button and fly of Bill’s jeans, maintaining eye contact as he worked the fingers of his hand beneath the waistband of his boxers. Fingers encircling Bill’s cock, John began pumping up and down delicately, causing Bill’s eyes to fall closed for a moment as he grew used to the sensation of his agile touch.   
As John’s hand moved over his length, Bill began breathing hard, and he opened his eyes to meet John’s once more. Looking at John, then down between his legs, then back to John again questioningly, John nodded eagerly. Bill balanced himself on his left elbow and reached down to undo John’s jeans, pulling them down slightly in the front along with his boxers to expose his hard cock before licking his palm and beginning to stroke.   
John squeezed his eyes tight and his head dug back into the arm of the couch at the tension of Bill’s hand around his cock. Forgetting to move the hand he had on Bill, he removed it for a moment to pull his jeans and boxers down a bit and wet his hand as well, replacing it and starting to tug with vigor.  
Their eyes met, hands moving nearly in sync and Bill dipped down to swallow John’s mouth, kissing voraciously as he began thrusting into the warm circle of his fist. Jerking movement of his wrist quickening, Bill was spurred on by the moans emanating from John’s chest, and pulled away for a moment to burrow his face in his neck, kissing and nipping at the tender flesh behind his ears as John ground forth into his eager fingers.  
“ _Bill, Bill, don’t stop_ ,” John panted, writhing up and down as his orgasm threatened to overwhelm him.   
Bill concentrated his ministrations on the head of his cock, moving fast, and as he brushed his lips against John’s ear he whispered, “ _Cum for me_.”  
John obliged, mouth wide as his heels dug into the opposite arm on the couch, clinging to Bill’s back, cum trickling over his fingers and shooting onto John’s shirt as his hips surged forth and collapsed for the final time.  
Attempting to catch his breath, John’s eyes fluttered open as Bill pressed kisses to his cheek, progressing back to his parted lips. Free hand taking him by the back of the head, John began to kiss him furiously, hand gripping and twisting, Bill humping into him desperately. Bill clutched one hand in John’s fine hair, the other bunched in the fabric of his shirt, eyes shut tight as he whined against his mouth.  
“ _Fuck, John, yeah, fuck_!” He moaned, movements becoming irregular as he approached the precipice of his desire, John’s hand a blur of dexterous digits. Bill let go, convulsing above John and releasing himself over his forearm and onto the surface of the couch, shuddering before letting the entirety of his weight rest on top of John’s fragile form.  
Bill was still breathing hard, his face against his neck, and John found himself reaching up to wrap his arms around Bill’s back, curling his one free leg about him as well, holding him as tightly as possible and nuzzling their heads together. He could only hope now that it was over Bill wouldn’t pull away from him.  
But Bill adjusted, notching himself between John’s legs and bringing John’s other leg around him as well, tucking his hands underneath John’s body and returning his face to the crook of his neck, aching for every point of contact he could manage.   
As their breath fell into rhythm, John absently ran his fingers through Bill’s hair, purring contentedly.  
“You know I’ve wanted this for a long time,” Bill spoke against the flesh of his neck.   
John was so surprised that at first he wasn’t positive he’d heard him correctly. “Y-you have?”  
He felt Bill nod against him. “You’re so sexy, John,” he whispered.  
John hesitated. The fingers painting their way through Bill’s hair began to shake and he couldn’t stop them. “Bill, I—“ he swallowed. “I’ve wanted you for years…” he said in a small voice.  
Bill was quiet and still. John could hear the blood rushing through his body, roaring in his ears, telling him he’d made a mistake.   
Bill pushed himself up and met his eyes. “You have?”  
_No point in denying it now_. “Yes,” he said, jaw clenched.   
“Is that why…” Bill looked away for a second. “Is that why you’re never dating anyone?”  
John swallowed hard. “Yeah. For me, Bill, there…there’s never been anyone else…”  
Bill met his eyes, looking at him for a moment before lowering himself and fusing their lips together, a tender, precious kiss passing between them. When they parted. Bill set his forehead against John’s and they clung to one another, awash in the glow of the love they shared.

  



End file.
